inner workings of a brain

Tomorrow I set out on a journey like no other. This is the first trip I’ve ever taken by myself. I’m going to Texas, a place I’ve never been. I’m going alone, something I’ve only done on short jaunts. I’m going to meet people I’ve never met before, which in and of itself, is a little strange.

I decided to make this trip months ago.  It started as a simple curiosity, and grew into a dire necessity. Since, it has evolved into a larger adventure: I need to go away and see new things, meet new people, do things I’ve never done before… and I need to do it alone. 

I’ve had multiple offers from wonderful people who want to take me to the airport. I’ve been offered money, “just in case”. But this is not just about taking a vacation… it’s more about being independent, being capable and getting it done my way.  I am grateful that in such a short amount of time I’ve found good people who care for me. I am blessed by them. Gratefully and respectfully, I’ve declined all offers with a sincere desire to do it on my own. 

I’ve already learned that I can do anything. Now, I get to see me in action.

I found a cool website this afternoon called wisdomology.com There, people pose a number of deep, meaningful, inspirational and thought-provoking questions and like-minded people attempt to answer or ponder them. I joined, thinking I may learn a thing or two. But it got me thinking of a few questions myself, and I’m curious what you think.

Can you know someone you’ve never met? Think about the way we meet people these days, all the virtual communications out there. I speak to 20 or more people a day over the phone at work, we share memories, personal problems, we laugh at inside jokes. Yeah, we do business too, but mostly we catch up, talk about our weekend, that stuff.

What about internet dating? Most of it is shallow and superficial, but is it possible to make a real connection with someone hundreds of miles away? What’s the likelihood that some people answer pointed questions honestly?

Is it safe to trust your gut? I do.

I have friends online all over the world, whom I never met, but if I ran into them on the street, I’d stop whatever I was doing, hug them, buy them a coffee and chat. Would you or would you prefer to stay anonymous?

I’ve been having these really great conversations lately and they make me wonder about what attracts people. Most people say it’s a physical attraction begins first, pheremones, a chemical thing. But take that out of the equation and all you have is information, knowledge, words, ideas. Can those things be just as powerful? More powerful?

Can you ever learn everything there is to know about a person? Or if you think you have, is that a sign that something is wrong? Shouldn’t we be constantly growing, changing, evolving … and shouldn’t that lead to new and different things to talk about all the time?

What does it mean to truly KNOW anyone?

How do we know that we know ourselves?

Despite all the junk mail and annoying pop-up ads, there is something hugely positive about the internet. Yes, it’s a global marketplace, a world-wide chatroom, a virtual meeting hall. And it has given me more opportunities in life than I dare count.

  It has been an employment source, a communication vehicle and a learning tool.  I’ve met new people and have been reaquainted with old friends. I can’t imagine the world without it.

A few years ago, I got a message from an old friend I never thought I’d speak to again. I was stunned at the reaching out, excited at the power of the electronic written word. I’m so grateful we’ve met again after all this time.  

It happens almost weekly now, people from my past coming into the present.  New emails from old friends, lost over time, lost to life, who still remember the love and good times from what seems like ages ago. It’s exciting to reconnect and rediscover.

 People have looked for me, typed my name into search engines and researched my whereabouts. It’s amazingly flattering. And I’ve done the same thing, finding faces that I recognize like the back of my hand. So far, it seems we’ve all grown up and let go of past disappointments, I’m not the only one who focuses on the good stuff. It’s inspiring, it gives me hope.

When most of my good friendships began, the internet was still in it’s infancy. A 600 baud modem was only good for connecting to a BBS, where you could chat with your neighbor down the street one line at a time, if you were lucky enough to have a home computer. We didn’t have cell phones or text messages, or email or long distance calling.  A pager the size of a brick was the hottest piece of equipment at the time.

We found each other the old fashioned way then, and now it seems, time and space is a virtual illusion. 

There’s an inate desire to detest Valentine’s day. I mean, it’s a Hallmark holiday anyway, created to sell heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and jewelry. I know there was once a feast day for St. Valentine, how we ended up perverting that into consumerism is beyond me.

Either way, I’ve got 2 valentines today, and it makes me happy just to be remembered. It’s the romantic notion, the gesture alone that makes me a little giddy and reminds me I’m a girl.

Candy and baubles come anytime of the year, but the really good stuff … I’m willing to wait for.

I’ve noticed that the traffic on my blog has increased a lot over the last few months. That’s a good thing. I know at least two people who read it, but I’m curious about the voyeurs out there who remain anonymous.

I’ve explained to a number of people why I blog, perhaps you don’t know … It’s a selfish pursuit, an outlet, a release. Writing my inane thoughts keeps me clear and helps make room for more.

For those of you who know me personally, you may be surprised by some of the things I’ve shared here. But know that I don’t write it for you. I don’t mean to be entertainment. I write because I want to, I need to. I’ve made a habit of journaling my life since I was 10, and every so often I like to go back and see where I’ve been. This allows me to do that, although, in a much larger sense.

I used to think people were crazy to write intimate details of their lives on the internet, but now I understand it. It’s about being accountable. I have nothing to hide, and the things I want to keep private, I just don’t blog about. But otherwise, it’s an exercise in transparency and trust. I like knowing that a women half a world away can read about my experiences and perhaps stir something there. Cause a reaction.

I ask questions, that’s just the way I am. But not everyone does - and maybe they should. Perhaps something I write will give insight to someone I’ll never know … or someone I know quite well. Who knows?

Either way, I’d write even if nobody was reading. But thanks for reading, it makes me happy to know that somewhere, someone has had a bigger glimpse into who I am, and in turn, who you are.

Life lessons seem to be ganging up on me, coming from all directions. Just when I think I’ve got something down, I’ve got a whole new arena in which to practice. And all I can do is try, try again.

Like patience. I haven’t always been the most patient person, quite the opposite really. But I’ve looked at that, reconsidered my stance, and I think I’ve done a lot of good work there. I’m my own worst critic and can be really tough on myself, but learning patience has been a revelation in the way I handle the tough stuff. Everything in it’s own time. I’m better at realizing, in the moment, that everything is at it should be. And I’m happy with that.

Forgiveness. While I’ve never been much of a grudge-holder, I have been known to shut down from people, turn away from them when I’ve felt wronged. I felt like they deserved it. Really though, it didn’t help anything. And now I seem to have a plethora of opportunities to forgive. Some people perceive a forgiving person as a push-over, I know I used to. But really, I think it takes an immense amount of self-control, compassion and understanding to look at an offender and see them as they are. Which is usually confused, hurt, or afraid … among other things. Forgiving myself has been easier, although still a challenge. I usually just try to keep my nose clean to avoid that need.

Then there’s trust. Ah, yes - the big T.  At different times in my life I went from not trusting anyone to blindly trusting everyone. It’s one of those things that you learn from a person very quickly - whether you can trust them or not. Granted, it’s not like I’ve got FBI secrets to share, but I do value my life, my safety, my health and I’d like the people in my life to as well. I’m in a different spot than I was a year ago, I’d like to trust people as much as my gut tells me to, but I’m finding I’m a bit unsure of my judgement,  I seem to have developed a “wait and see” attitude. I don’t like being skeptical, hell, I’m a believer! But if there’s one thing that life has taught me and I need to continually remind myself is “just be patient”.

Ahhh…a wonderful, vicious cycle.   

I realized the other day just how lacking I’ve been in my writing. Not blogging, mind you, which I seem to do so easily. But the personal stuff, the true creative process of writing, revising, rewriting and whatnot. I’ve kept journals since I was 10 and it was about that time that I started writing poetry and short stories. I have a stack of journals getting moldy in a shed in NJ … I kind of wish I had them here so I could sit on the floor with a glass of wine and relive my childhood worries and triumphs.  

One day I will… 

 Until then, I want to release my thoughts in a different way.  In an organized way, more thoughtfully, perhaps beautifully.

 In college, I had a fantastic creative writing professor who raved about my writing. He helped me find my voice and hone my use of the language. He was the Poet Lauriet of Pennsylvania and while I admired his work, I really just loved him. He was quirky, almost crazy. He held classes outside at night, with candles, he was always disheveled and quoted Jerry Garcia. That little man told me the one thing about writing that I will never, ever forget, “Put the Shit on the Page!” 

Gotta love it.

And how right he is!  Recently, I was lucky enough to read someone’s else’s writing, and it spurred in me a longing for the black type on a white page. The broken lines, the rythym, the timing, the stanzas, the searching for just the right way to say it.

 I attempted to write while I lived in NJ, once or twice. But everything came out all angry, and I didn’t like reading what I had poured out. Should’ve taken it as a clue…

Either way, now, I think I’ve got the bug.  

There have been Maxfield Parrish skies the last few evenings. All top heavy and bulbous, with ribbons of pink and orange. I like driving home when it’s just sunset, the sky is like a preview of the day to come. The fact that it’s warm and sunny in January is a little disturbing. But I’ll take it.I’ve made a few observations about living in Georgia, some good, others not … but all of them funny.  

• For instance, everyone calls me ma’am. The girl at the grocery store, the guy at the gas station, it doesn’t matter they’re age - to them, I’m a ma’am. When did this happen? Aren’t I still a Miss? Maybe those wrinkles are more obvious than I thought.

• All smart, plump women know not to wear horizontal stripes, as they tend to over-emphasize width. But did all the southern husky men miss that memo? Seriously, if you can’t see your feet - don’t wear the stripes. There must be some Striped Shirt Depot in this area, because it seems that ever big-bellied boy is a’wearin stripes.

• Southern hospitality is alive and well, and frankly, I’m in love with it.  Now, I’m a friendly person - but THESE people are friendly. They open doors, HOLD them even … and wait for you! They say PLEASE and THANK YOU right before they call me Ma’am. (Which really isn’t THAT bad.)  Men tip their hat and smile as I’m filling up my gas tank, they offer to take the groceries to my car, and sometimes I let them.  And everyone likes to chat, they fill up empty space with conversations ranging from the weather to where they’re from. Lord knows I had a 10 minute talk with a secretary about her family, if I had stayed, she would’ve  invited me to dinner.

• Everyone has a team. Either Georgia State or Georgia Tech, and the stickers are everywhere. On car bumpers, rear windows, baby carriages, coolers, you name it. This is a Tech house, but I have yet to get a sticker  

I can’t believe it’s New Years Eve again. It’s almost 2008 and I’ve wrapped up the last year pretty tightly. No loose ends, no regrets, no hanging chads.  I get to start a brand new year in a brand new place, doing brand new things. I like new. I like the idea of a fresh start and the endless possibilities. I spend Christmas with my family, well, most of them. My mother was here for over a week and was her usual, generous, loving self. She just set out for home this morning, and we all gathered in the driveway, barefoot and bathrobe-clad to wave goodbye. I miss her already. Tonight there will be a party, new people to meet, champagne to drink and hopefully someone to kiss when the ball drops.   This would’ve been my 10th anniversary with Dave, we had planned a Florida trip. But we’ve cashed in our flights for other, separate plans and frankly, I’m not nearly as upset about spending the evening without him as I thought I would be. Afterall, our anniversary usually consisted of me watching him play to a bunch of blue-hairs and feeling like I’d rather be someplace else. And now I’m in that someplace else.Finally. 2008 is bound to be a productive year, I’ll make sure of it. I want to buy a home, I want a pet or three, I want to make more money and dive back into the things that make me the happiest. I want to paint again. I want to travel. I want to be healthier. I want to have massive amounts of sex. I want to roll my 401k over into an IRA.  I want adventures.These aren’t necessarily resolutions, just reminders. …and my list of wants and needs is considerably longer, but I suppose these are at the top right now. So, heres to you, 2008, give me everything you’ve got.  

Laying down with a bag of ice on my lower back isn’t the way I intended to spend my Saturday. Afterall, today is the USPS cutoff date to send packages that will arrive by Christmas. And I have a few packages needing to get out … but I’m laid up in bed, with near frostbite on my lumbar region. Comfort is easy, everybody can agree on what comfortable is. But pain? We all have different thoughts on that one. I like to believe I have a high threshold for pain, but I still don’t like it. Even laying in this precarious position, knees under pillows, laptop on my lap, I am in a large amount of pain. Except for my typing fingers, I am completely stationary, but the pain courses through me, down my legs and back up again. Movement seems like a bad idea. And boy, do I have to pee.Stupid body.I have to say I’ve been really lucky the last few months with my back. I’ve been through emotional hell and it’s held up pretty well. Maybe it’s just the changing weather, or maybe I just slept wrong, or maybe this is the universe’s way of saying, “Stay in Bed all day”.Joy. Joy and comfort travel together. Pain and joy? Not so much. Isn’t this the happiest season of the year? I want to fa-la-la and deck the halls and meet the crush of shoppers at the malls, wrap and decorate - heck, it’s Saturday!  But I can’t seem to move an inch without seeing white behind my eyes.Anyone got a bed pan?