I’ve been told that the difficulties of life are what make us grow. I now have to completely recreate my entire life. New home, new job, new friends, new everything. Whatever happened to one step at a time?
This is the part where I question how much of this is my intentional creation, and how much is circumstance. IS there such a thing AS circumstance? IS there such a thing AS intentional creation?
I have to believe in something right now, because moving forward isn’t easy. My heart creaks everytime it beats in my chest, my eyes are too tired to look at the world, my lungs unwilling to fill fully with air. I want to sleep, long and quiet. But I cannot.
Standing still is not an option anymore. I’ve been standing in one place for too long. I’ve ignored my inner voice, I shushed it and allowed it to be shushed. I apologize for that, thankfully, I’m a very forgiving person.
All these stupid cliches keep rearing into my head: “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” and “Everything happens for a reason.” and “Take it one day at a time.” and “The only person standing in your way is you.” and fuck them all. I know that people don’t know what to say to me right now, and I am thankful for the words of comfort they give … but I’ve never been a fan of cliche …and it makes me feel like this is little, trivial bullshit that I’m experiencing. And it’s not.
Maybe that’s what it feels like when someone you loves dies, and nobody can say anything to make the pain go away. The words they say come out sounding canned, processed, rehearsed. That’s the way I’ve always felt saying them to unfortunate friends and family. While we want to give comfort, words just don’t cut it. But we always feel the need to say SOMETHING, don’t we?
I’m supposed to move hundreds of miles away all by myself. I have more things then my small car can hold and frankly, I’m concerned about my ability to make the long drive by myself, for emotional AND physical reasons. People may not realize just how much sadness I have and how easily tears can obsure the road. I’ve spent a lot of time in the car the last week, and I’ve snotted up my sleeves pretty well the entire time.
I’m a wreck.
I can only imagine what the guy infront of me in traffic is thinking as he peers at me in his rearview as he sips his latte. People keep giving me that sorrowful gaze, the old guy pumping my gas and the lady who poured me a coffee. They know better than to say anything, they know words just won’t do. That’s why I remember those looks, they give me the most hope… they know how I feel. Humanity can be restored in the strangest ways …
