Little Knives

November 24, 2007 at 6:59 pm (Deep Thoughts)

As we all know, this whole starting over thing is a process. There will be good days and not-so-good days, there will be triumphs large and small, I will forget my pains over ever-lengthening stretches of time, I will have new people and experiences to occupy my thoughts.

I’d love to be able to talk optimistically about beginning again, but I’ll admit, it’s the devastating, tiny details that seem to hold me back. It’s the little knives, the unspoken truths, that still slice me despite the distance. It’s these things that caused the split, directly and indirectly. I’d like these sharp nips smoothed, I’m tired of getting snagged everytime I take a few steps forward.

But I may never get to hear the answers to the questions that are only now beginning to grow faint in my own mind. Lord nows I rattled them on and on and over and over again for so many years. I had put them down for a while, too busy to think and too tired to care. But now that I’m safe and stationary, they again echo inside my head and I’m left with that distant feeling of uneasy.

I know that the answers don’t mean anything now anyway. They did once. But not anymore. I want to understand why trust is so important to people who don’t tell the truth. I want to hear about the intrinsic limitations that men have on their hearts and be consoled for sharing mine so completely. I want an apology. I want to know how it’s so easy for some to forget, while others like me, just want to know why.

I guess I’m having one of those not-so-good days.

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Endless amounts of graditude

November 21, 2007 at 6:11 pm (Daily Grind, General Info, Uncategorized)

I’ve landed in a soft place. I am surrounded by loving people, family and friends. Tomorrow we’ll gather around a beautiful table and eat a feast. We’ll talk through flower arrangements, over plates piled high. We’ll lay around, fat and lazy, but thankful. We’ll salute the chef and do the dishes.

I got a paycheck today, I got out of work early, too. I didn’t have to sit for hours in traffic. I got to sing to my iPod as I cruised with the windows down, because it’s 75 and sunny in the middle of November.

Oh, that’s just the beginning…

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The Journey: The Profound in the Mundane

November 9, 2007 at 12:12 pm (Uncategorized)
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When I finally crossed over into Georgia, a little happy dance went off in my brain. I, however, just held tight to the steering wheel and promised to celebrate later.

I thought I might cry at the sight of my exit, I got all teary and choked up. But decided that would be a bad time to crash, considering I was so close … so I shoved the emotion back in, and waited until I pulled into the driveway for my breakdown.

But I didn’t cry at all like I thought I would. I just sighed, really loudly.

My back throbbed (still is) and all I wanted to do was pee. So I did. I made the appropriate phone calls, let the dog out, did a load of laundry. Then Mary came home and we had dinner.

I still don’t feel the urge to cry. I don’t even feel sad. No remorse, no regret, no chest-thumping fear.  That’s a strange thing, considering I’ve been an emotional fountain the last few weeks.

I feel strangely calm. But I’m not complaining.

Today I wanted to be productive. I opened a checking account, I cancelled some old credit cards, I switched my car insurance over, I looked at paint samples. 

Even the things that I thought would be a pain in the ass, like switching my auto insurance – were so simple I could’ve done them in a coma. (Good thing I don’t have to, though.) The insurance girl was just … soooo nice. She made it uber easy and I just sat and watched and signed where she pointed.  Now I’ll save about $40, and I’m legal in this fine state.

And then there was the bank, usually a place I dread going into. I planned on doing a bit of comparision shopping and pick the best one. But the first one I stopped into was just so nice and clean, and the girl there was so friendly and helpful … I just had to sit and stay a while. We chatted about this and that and next thing you know I have a new account, with all the features I was looking for.

I guess I’m finding the profound in the mundane, but isn’t that the point? I realize this is just the beginning of a very interesting journey.

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The Journey – Chapter 3

November 6, 2007 at 8:22 pm (Uncategorized)
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I did less driving and more smiling today. I slept really well in my enormous bed surrounded by masses of pillows. I woke up to the alarm I set on my phone, and even though it was early, I still couldn’t get back to sleep.

I had a disturbing dream about poop. If Dave were here, he’d get to hear all about it. But he’s not. So, I’ll keep it to myself.

Anyway…I got myself together, had some free coffee and a bit of cereal, then hit the road by 11. Traffic was heavy. Lots of trucks, lots of cops, lots of sunshine hitting me right where the visor couldn’t cover. I needed gas and more breakfast, but every exit I approached just didn’t feel right. So I kept going until one did.

I think it was the promise of a Waffle House. That’s what made me turn off. Let me show my love right now for this institution. Where else can you get eggs, hashbrowns (in a ring), sausage with a slice of Americana? Oh, how I LOVE those yellow and black signs, the sticky woodgrain and bright orange interior, the friendly southern-accented waitresses. Breakfast AND coffee less than $7. See?

Made me feel good until I went across the street and paid $3.01 a gallon for unleaded. But, I was pumped up with gas (both kinds) and caffeine. Ready to rock.

And for the most part I did, the highway stretched out far and wide today. It was hot in the afternoon sun, and it twisted and turned into the light. It was so bright, I had to follow the white lines on the road to make sure I was following the right path, even the truck infront of me was obscured by glare and flickering flashes of reflection.

I finally found a song on my iPod I wasn’t sick of. I’m sure by tomorrow I will be – but today it soothed me and made my fear less scarey.

I was glad to find my hotel so easily, if I had been paying any less attention, I would’ve missed it. And I’m glad I didn’t, because it’s the nicest one I’ve stayed at this entire time.

First of all – the girl behind the desk was FRIENDLY. For real! AND she smiled (and I think she meant it).

I think the funniest part of this day was when I lost my room. I got my key and went up to my room – put down 1 of my bags, checked out the place, and realized it’s the best (and cheapest) place I’ve stayed. I grabbed my keys and went back to my car to get my other bags. I got upstairs – and tried to open my door, but it wouldn’t open.

Duh. Maybe it’s the one to the right. Nope. The left? Nope.

I went up and down the friggen hall, pulling my suitcase, cursing loudly everytime the door wouldn’t open. I felt like such an ass. Kaleigh called me right in the middle of this ordeal, and I (as always) fessed up what a loser I was and I couldn’t find my room. She laughed at me (quietly)and told me to go downstairs and ask for help.

Yeah, yeah. I’m an ass. So, I do as I’m told and go back downstairs. I hand them my key and they look at it and they say – “That’s not our room key”. Duh! It was the key from my room LAST NIGHT.

Dumbass.

So, I wasn’t completely off track. I didn’t completely lose my room – I was just using the wrong key and thought I was losing my mind. Which, thankfully, I didn’t.

Ahhh. That’s when I peeled off all my travel-stinky clothes, jumped into a hot shower, found my swimsuit an then went downstairs and slipped into the heated indoor pool. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. That was nice. Nice.

Speaking of which – everyone here is so nice. Like, smiling, look-you-in-the-eye nice. Giving me directions to the drug store and drawing me maps nice. They call me “Sweetie” and “Hon” and “Darlin’”. I like that.

You don’t get that in New Jersey.

Right now Kaleigh is coming all the way from Columbia to go to dinner. I’m thrilled we’re going to get to spend some time together – and she’s driving all this way (in rush hour traffic!) despite the fact she has morning classes tomorow. She’s my hero. I hope she doesn’t mind the fact that the hotel is in the middle of nowhere and dinner is either at the Piggly-Wiggly or Wendy’s.

One thing that has struck me so hard is all the kindness coming at me. It’s startling, how much love, support and good wishes I’ve gotten from so many people. It makes me feel cheered on, like I’m going to take us all to the championships – and I cannot lose.

I don’t think I’d be so strong right now if I didn’t have that. I don’t know if I’d be capable of doing any of this if I felt like I really WAS doing it alone; but I’m not.

I may be by myself on the trip, but I am not alone in this journey. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

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The Journey – Chapter 2

November 5, 2007 at 7:01 pm (Uncategorized)
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From all outward appearances, I think I kept it together quite well today. But my palms still sweated furiously throughout the day, no matter how many times I took deep, cleansing breaths.

Although, the ride today was absolutely gorgeous. Once I got on 85, the 5 lanes turned into 2, and dazzling trees towered over the road. The colors are at their peak here, and I felt like I was being swallowed by an unending autumnal tongue.

I covered almost 250 miles today. I know that doesn’t impress many people, but for me – that’s alot. Every once in a while, I would realize just what I was doing, and freak out. I had to keep wiping my hands on my jeans, and remind myself that all is well.

And all is well. I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone rush me, or make me feel bad for taking my time. That’s what I’m doing. My back is not good today, one reason I got off the road an hour before I planned. The pain compounds, like unused wireless minutes, it rolls over from one day to the next. I’ve been taking care of myself as best as possible, thank God for coolers and ice packs.

I’ve made plans to see my favorite oldest niece tomorrow. So, I plan on having a fun day tomorrow – a short 2 1/2 hour drive. I’ve done a bit of research and found a botanical garden, a planetarium and a natural history museum, less than 10 miles from the hotel. It would be a good break from the need to ‘just get there’. Kaleigh always has a way of putting things in perspective as well. So I look forward to that.

I’m making my way, little by little. Soon enough I’ll be in major recreation mode – until then, I just want to enjoy the drive.

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The Journey – Chapter 1

November 4, 2007 at 8:10 pm (Blogging, Daily Grind, Deep Thoughts, General Info, Humor)
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They say the hardest part is taking that first step. I agree. Today was hard.

I began to sweat just thinking about the trip, the process of zipping up my suitcase, putting away my laptop and unplugging my phone seemed to go by in slow motion.

I began to stall. I had to pee every thirty seconds, I was thirsty, I had to stretch, I needed to double check my new tires.

It was 11:30 am, and I knew it was time to go. So, I took a giant, enormous, hugeola breath – and went.

My palms sweated and I could feel my heart in my ears. All the songs on my iPod were annoying and the radio was even worse. All I had to do was breathe and blink, but some part of me was afraid to do both.

But I did. I know that must sound weird, but this is all new for me, and my imagination can get the best of me. Plus, I’m all by myself – something I’m not used to while travelling.

Next thing I knew I was past the Philadelphia airport, I was past Newark and going through the long, spooky tunnel in Baltimore (which I didn’t know about previously, thankfully.) I think I held my breath the entire way.

But I saw the light at the end, I came out on the other side just fine. I made it and I kept going.

I had moments of peace and even happy euphoria, but they didn’t last very long. I’d catch myself being casual and I kept thinking, “Dumbass! You’re moving to GEORGIA! PAY ATTENTION!” Sweaty palms and white knuckles tended to be the theme of the day.

I had spent the morning at Theresa’s, checking out the path on Yahoo Maps – I picked a Holiday Inn that looked like a goodly distance. Over 200 miles away from Levittown, it was a giant leap, in theory.

But yet, here I am. Sitting at the cheap wood table at the Holiday Inn Express. I made good time, except for the horrific traffic jam through DC.

I went out and got soup from the Panera Bread across the street. I have an ice pack on my back, I have a giant, plush King size beg and 5 pillows. I have a huge flat-screen tv and wi-fi access – free breakfast in the morning. AND I got a discount, just by being cute.

I’m glad I got off the road when I did, my eyes were fuzzy, my leg couldn’t press the gas pedal anymore and my back was throbbing. I’m happy to be in, stationary, and safe.

It was a hard day, just making the decision. Maybe tomorrow those feelings of happy euphoria will last longer and come more often.

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