Full Circle

Intermingled in the black

a thread of life is left.

Deeply embedded, frightened to leave

the shelter there it keeps.

 

I wrote that when I was about 14. It has stayed fresh in my mind ever since I scrawled those words in some pink-edged journal all those years ago.  It was about fear of self. Fear of judgement, of being rejected for who I knew I was, but so afraid to be.  I think that’s a normal experience for someone of that age group. I don’t know why those words have always echoed in my mind – but I do recall the seemingly unending torment that I went through just to write them. They were possibly my first attempts at self-awareness. I was afraid. And I knew it. And I didn’t want to be anymore.

It’s been an interesting path since then. I’ve since stopped hiding myself. Self-discovery is like rebirth – and at the same time not. I was always there (that thread of life that was left), I just didn’t know how to be me. I thought it was all about making everyone else happy – doing what was expected, saying what they’d like to hear. But I know different now. 
Being self-aware takes great patience, it’s a skill that is honed over time and with experience. That is one of the joys of living. But once you have it – you can never go back. You can never hide again. Not behind a person, or a name or a mask or a facade. Once you know you, and accept you … you’ve got you – forever. That’s the best part. 

I’ve gone through different trials with my new found self. For a long time I was abrasively harsh with my truths. I told it like I saw it and really didn’t care how anyone else felt about it. That was a good lesson – because it taught me tact and kindness and patience with others. I thought the negative reactions I got from people was just their own fear rising up. I was so arrogant. 

And I’ve spent a lot of time keeping my thoughts to myself. Quietly judging the mundane world before me. Thinking that I knew something profound that you do not. Thinking myself grander and smarter and more holy. I was closer to God, closer to the universe, closer to enlightenment. I was the Buddha. I was so arrogant. 

But that’s a long way to come considering at one point I thought I was stupid and ugly and worthless. Because I thought those things  and I let it eat me alive for a while.  It’s a normal process. In fact, now that I think of it: All processes are normal. 

And that’s just what I am. Normal. (whatever THAT means)

I have an immense amount of gratitude that I’ve been allowed to explore me. Know myself better. Not everyone wonders or even gets the chance. It’s a gift and with it comes great responsibility. To be true to ones self is the highest, and perhaps hardest, achievement in life. And I strive for nothing less.  It’s been a driving force since I could hold pen to paper and form thoughts in my mind. 

Hopefully one day I’ll get there.