On Breaking Up

Recently I’ve decided that I’d rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy. It’s a good choice. I spent nine months going back and forth, unsure if I was being too picky or expecting too much. But at the end of the day, if the person in your life has absolutely no idea who you are … it just feels like a massive waste of time.

That sounds harsh, I guess there just isn’t any better way to say it. I’m not into wasting anything, let alone time.  I had major reservations about even entering into the relationship, but I was soothed with open-minded sounding words about how personality differences are good. And sure, they are. But polar opposites are hard to gloss over. 

People don’t like ending relationships, it’s not fun to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but if I’m not going to stand up for me, who will? He most certainly wasn’t going to. He would’ve been happy going day to day, never questioning a thing, letting life happen to him.  I attempted to salvage the friendship, but it seems we don’t even have that in common. And his unfortunate tendency to retreat into childish, misplaced anger doesn’t bode well for casual get togethers. 

What’s funny is that I’ve broken up with him a number of times, but he kept coming back. I was stupid enough to think he could have a mature, adult relationship … but we always fell into this cycle of mediocrity, laziness, indifference and frustration. Many people wondered why I was even with him, and I tried my best to point out his positive side. Yeah, he was kind and generous and helpful. But they were completely outweighed by the glaring shortcomings that I could not overlook. 

It was a conversation we had about our relationship, about how we don’t ever talk about us, or where we’re going or what we want. You know, the thoughts that partners share. But he made it quite clear, for the final time, that he doesn’t “communicate”. And that was that.  If you don’t communicate, what on earth is the point? If we can’t talk, why do we attempt to share anything? Oh, I was pretty pissed at myself for letting that mess go on for so long. 

I had completely contradicted everything that I have been taught, everything that I know. I suppose some lessons are better learned the second time. 

I won’t be making the same mistake again.