I am driven to write even when there are no fully-formed thoughts in my head. I’ve a jumble of loose pieces rattling around in my brain, all different colors and shapes and textures. They don’t seem to fit together at this present moment, but I know all too well, they will take shape eventually.
There are chunks of my distant past rolling around in there. Dark and shadowy shapes I’d like to leave be, but they have been unwillingly thrust into my consciousness. I’ve processed these things already, I’ve forgiven, I’ve let go and forgotten. For clarification sake, I’ve had to retell some of these stories, and I find myself now remembering all those horrible feelings.
I can taste the fear in my mouth, metallic and bitter. It makes me doubt myself, my instincts, just like I did then. I’m looking closely for the betrayal, the lies, the well-hidden truth. I analyze every word and spoken fact, double-checking it against what’s already been given me. It’s insane. I do not want to move backwards.
It’s amazing how the body and mind respond to indelible memories.
And then there are the soft bits floating in my head. All bright and lush and lovely. And to be completely honest – I had forgotten about these parts. All the pain I endured at that time in my life completely wiped out all the good – and there was a lot of good. These things I enjoy remembering. These stories I like to share, these feelings I recall unabashedly and let them wash over me and I can’t help but smile.
What is true is this: all those bad things, all the cause of all that hurt – has fallen away and is no longer. And I’m left with all the goodness. And all that is right in the world has found me, and is asking me to believe in it. And God, do I want to. Problem is – it all seems a bit too good to be true. But I don’t want to be doubtful – I want to know that what I am seeing is real. I don’t want to hesitate – I want to follow my well-honed instincts. But I’m finding that all to be a challenge right now, and I’m not sure why.
My abilities to reconcile good and evil are obviously not very good. I don’t even think they can be reconciled . Why would I make this harder than it really is? Why would I mar this moment full of ebullient and gentle love with memories of anger and destruction? ….yes, we all know, I think way too much.
