You cannot change anything in your life with intention alone, which can become a watered-down, occasional hope that you’ll get to tomorrow. Intention without action is useless. Caroline Myss
Someone once told me to only trust movement, movement is real, forward action is the only real thing that we can count on. And so I strive for it, I long for it, I learn this and attempt to teach it. But I cannot DO it. Well, I can, but only for myself.
I’m frustrated, I’m scared and I’m wondering if I’m putting myself in a position that is doomed to be painful. I don’t like pain. So I try to be as realistic as possible.
Patience is not my best quality, yes, I am still learning. But how I hold it in my mind so strong and yet the only thing it gives back is doubt. What am I being patient for? Am I patiently waiting for more fearful indecision? Am I being patient for a kind let down? Am I being patient for another reason to be patient?
This is my ultimate issue with patience. It affords us nothing. Patience does not comfort or reassure. Patience is like a godless faith, only less inspired. It’s what we’re supposed to learn when we’re children: how to take turns, how to share, how to be quiet in the grocery store. But what does this revved up adult version have to teach me? What value does it hold in this situation?
I practice patience every day. I’m kind to unkind people. I kindly wait for my turn. I even let people go ahead of me. I am in no rush. I am patient in most day to day things.
But I find myself in a situation that is unusual. And I’m finding that my patience has brought me no reward… it gives me no guarantees, there is not a definitive yes or no. There is no knowing. And this, I have little patience for.
Faith is different for me. Faith is about belief, patience is not. What I believe and what is so can be very different. I prefer them to be in synch. Yet I find myself suspended between, caught in some sort of mental goo that I cannot escape from.
So, I wait – impatiently. And I have faith that everything will work out exactly as it should. That much I know to be true. I just don’t like hanging here, spinning, wondering… can he? will he? is he?
I should just get another cat and call it day.
