So much changes when you’re an adult. More decisions to make, more responsibility, more challenges, more chances. No more flying by the seat of your pants, no more carefree summers, no more dreaming just for dreaming sake.
I’ve always been a daydreamer. I’ve had the same visions in my head since I was two. Same voice inside my head too. I’ve stared out of more windows, drifted off in conversation, lost myself in thought – you may think I’m totally paying attention. It’s a skill I’ve honed over the years. Being in two places at once IS possible. My favorite place to be is in my mind, in my dreams.
I still do this – I let my eyes go fuzzy, I let them get all watery for as long as it takes for all these beautiful thoughts to become all powdery and translucent. I can see what I think. And it’s lovely.
It’s a powerful thing to know that thoughts become things. Superheroes know that with great knowledge comes great responsibility – and I am but a mere mortal. But I try.
For the majority of my life, I’ve been ruled by my heart. I have lived by the code of beats, of emotion, of desire and longing. It’s been an unfaithful friend, my heart. It has led me to despair, to great heights and down again. It is anything but consistent. But I allowed myself this freedom anyway, knowing that I only had myself to lose.
And now, there is more, much more to lose if I follow that pattern now. My heart screams and my mind screams back; reminding me of what I’ve learned. Both have a really good argument.
My choice is this: follow my heart - or follow my head. Only this time: I am not alone in these dreams. And I have much more to lose.
I want to find the balance, to sort it all out, to know the middle ground where both can be happy. I know there is this – I just haven’t found it yet. And so, I continue to think on and dream and let the world around me go hazy for a bit. I imagine and conjure all the lovely images only we could share. And yet one moment later, I’m met by images of utter failure. Of struggle and remorse. Of pain and anger. These things don’t belong in my daydreams. And yet, they are there.
I feel like I’m on stage, with all the lights shining on me – and I hate being the center of attention (I suck as a Leo, I know). And I feel like it’s up to me, it’s all up to me. And that doesn’t feel fair. I don’t want to make this choice. I want there to be NO choice. I want it to be obvious. I want someone to stand up and say, “Here! This is what will be done.” And I want to see it be done.
How much of my head is not trusting my heart? How much of my heart distrusts my head? I’ve been told, “If in doubt, don’t.”
What on earth do I do with that???
All I know is, I used my head to get where I am. My heart took a major back seat. It had to. And now? When My Heart is so invested, so full of everything it should be … how can I possibly let that go? I can’t. I simply cannot.
But to protect everything I’ve built, everything I’ve worked so hard for – what WILL I do? Truth is, all this means NOTHING without my heart.
