Rising Up, Cleaning House

“…there’s nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose, nothing to live for, nothing to prove.” Brendan Perry

I’ve been wasting time. I hate to say that, but it’s true.  This year is slipping away so quickly and I’ve spent half of it trying to convince myself of the future, instead of living the present.  I have no excuse for this, but better to realize this now than never. Here I am. Right now there is a lot of work to be done.

I’ve been talking about fear these last few months, and I haven’t really given much thought to my own. I’ve allowed my own fears to become covered by circumstances, and ignored them as if they’re not there. Silently hoping that they’d just go away. This is my shit. Everyone has it, including me. And I’ve pushed mine under the carpet to mildew and rot. And it’s stinking. And I won’t have it anymore. It’s time to clean house.

I’m never really happy unless I’m growing – and that means change. But I’ve been dreaming of growing, thinking of changing, but not actually doing it. I am a walking contradiction even as I sit motionless. 

And so, it is time for movement. Fear or not, pain or not, it will happen. Time to open all the doors and windows, take a stiff broom to all the dusty corners and proclaim my independence from all the things I think hold me back. 

This is about making decisions, and taking action. No more excuses, no more pity, no more fear, no more doubt. It’s about realization of all the things I want, all the things I deserve – and only I can do it. 

It’s about time really, I’ve begun to tire of myself. That should’ve been a clue….

If any man will hold a picture in his mind of doing what he wants to do and will sustain that mental picture, the God-Power will develop it and bring it to pass.     Henry Thoreau