The Forgiveness Process

The manifestation of peace can only be attained by forgiveness.  (me)

It is a harrowing and sometimes painful process, but it is essential if we are to move forward, in any significant way. 

I didn’t really understand it when I was first presented with the idea of forgiveness. I thought I had pretty much let go so many things that had dogged me through the years. I was strong, I was smart, I didn’t need to forgive. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I should have to. Why should I forgive? Damn those people who hurt me. 

But my life was still idling, I was circling around and around through the same dark forest, going nowhere, and I desperately wanted out. I was told, “Forgive, and move forward.”

I was advised to make a list of all the bad things that happened to me, and who do it to me. And I did, one rainy, introspective day I sat down and put pen to paper. And damn if I wasn’t a crying, sobbing mess within 20 minutes. 

I never went back to that list. That was attempt #1. I became so emotional that I totally relived all the shit that I had denied myself from feeling. And I didn’t want to go back. I threw in the towel and the pen, and went on with life as if I was perfectly fine.

But I wasn’t. 

And it was obvious, because I wasn’t truly happy. And I could feel this unease. And so, I tried again. Stronger and more aware of the feelings that can arise. I sat and wrote my list. And I cried, and I got angry, and I relived all the hurt, but I put the shit on the page. And when I was done, and couldn’t think of any other trespasses against me … I slept.

I avoided looking at that list for weeks. I had recalled much of what I put down, but I didn’t want to look at it, in my own words. I didn’t want to see all my life’s disappointments in my handwriting, I couldn’t look, I didn’t want to see. 

But I kept my list safe, and filed it away for a day when I was feeling brave. And finally, that day did come.

I had an evening alone and a bottle of wine – and I was feeling quite ready to let go. So, I dug out my list and I read each entry out loud, one by one. After each sentence or paragraph, I said “I forgive you.”

I cried a lot that night, but I made a conscious effort to let go, because holding on was doing me no good. And I looked to The Course for guidance, which it always has. And it says:

If what you offer is complete forgiveness you must have let guilt go, accepting the Atonement for yourself and learning you are guiltless 

And I think that’s what it was all about for me, getting over the guilt. And I so wanted to be guiltless. It wasn’t so much what had been DONE to me, it was what I ALLOWED to happen to me, and what I allowed to EFFECT me. 

The forgiveness process that I went through was more about forgiving myself than anyone else. And I would never have guessed that I needed to do that.

We always think external influences are to blame for the unhappy turns our lives take. But now I know, it’s me. All me.