I’m getting old(er)

 

 

It happens to all of us. The passing of time eventually creeps up, sticks out his tongue and blesses some bitch with perfect skin.

Damn.

I have done a darn good job of staying ‘young’ for as long as I possibly could. But just today I did the unthinkable: I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror.

The Horror!

Despite my healthy living, my regime of $100 beauty creams, the organic, cold-pressed coconut oil, my naturally oily skin, I have developed wrinkles. And they are not alluring. I do not look more ‘mature’ or ‘stately’. I just look plain OLD.

Fuck.

Of course, my first reaction was to go purchase more overpriced creams and emollients.

Maybe it’s just a bad, tired day (likely). Maybe I need more water (likely). Maybe I need a good, long vacation (very likely), or perhaps I should just succumb to the new lines around my eyes, and find a new definition of beauty (unlikely).  Grrrr. I want to look 22 forever.

I’m reaching around to 37, and overnight I officially look it. HOW did this happen??

Maybe I should just stop smiling.

2011 Photo Year in Review

Better late than never, right? Sometimes I don’t realize just how much happens within a years time. Here are just some of the best highlights. Enjoy.

Yamel celebrated his 1 year anniversary in GA

The farm grew lush and green

We enjoyed and explored our little town. The view from Toasted & Tapped, gone, but not forgotton.

Sisters weekend in Atlanta! Finally all together.

I mastered the art of Spanikopita

We dyed some beautiful eggs at Easter. Something neither of us had done in a long, long time.

We adopted little Ninja, he fits right in.

Spent a beautiful day in Atlanta

and got to visit with my friend Doug and my lovely Goddaughters, Hayley and Ashley

Yamel proposed. I said yes

Our Halloween masterpieces!

Got to visit with Mom, however briefly. It was wonderful.

Spent some time with my oldest buddy, Eric in Florida. Good times.

We hit Music Midtown, so fun!

Poor Ninja was sick, he had to wear that silly collar for weeks.

But Christmas was magical and everyone was happy and healthy!

The Dream

I’ve been dreaming about clear, azure waters. About being on an island, surrounded by crystal blue, begging to swim, but I can never quite get there.

It’s a frustrating dream.

I really need a vacation. And I really miss the ocean.

There are more reasons to take one than there is money. I’m willing to forgo that matter if it means I can get this dream out of my head – and finally rest.

But nobody else has the same desire, and I’m left with the horrible choice: do I not vacate at all? Or do I vacate alone?

I don’t like either choice.

I want to share my joy, I want to revel in shared joy. I may not get that chance – I may have to refine my dream.

Let’s see how that works.

To Be Determined …

The last few weeks have been more hectic than usual. After over a year of searching, Yamel found a job and is working full time. It’s quite the change. We’re spending much less time sleeping, much more time rushing, stressing, being tired and cranky. All for the sake of the added income.

It has yet to be determined if it’s all worth it or not. One would think that any extra income is worthwhile, but I’m reserving judgement for his first paycheck.

Of course, this new schedule comes at the busiest time of the year in my work. So while I’m stretched as thin as I can possibly get, I have the added bonus of his comings and goings and all of the implications. It’s taking a lot of sacrifice, a lot of extra special patience, lots of time.

His job requires work on both our parts. My 9 or 10 hour days are now 14 hours long. We’re up before the birds and my happy bedtime hour has been pushed back indefinitely. I have a hard time laying down to sleep without a good period of “unwinding”.

Especially now, with the gigantic job that we’re wrapping up in the shop. It’s about 1500 100-page books that should take a week to process and print and bind, but we have, like, 3 days. I’ve been having these massive panic attacks that I forgot something, that I missed something, that somehow I screwed up the entire job … and they come at 2am – when I’m desperately trying to get some rest. It sucks. If there was ever a time for prescription meds, I need an Rx today.

I’m really happy that I’ve been given the reins, so to speak, on this job. Though, I never asked for it. This is the largest account the company has, and I think, to my credit, I’ve made it easier over the past four years that I’ve headed the project. I appreciate the confidence,  I’m the only one who knows how and who is willing to even begin to organize a job this big. But I really dislike not having any oversight on something this important. There’s nobody to check my work, nobody to double check my math, or see something I missed. If I missed it, it’s fucked up. And it’s MY fault. And that means $20,000 to the company. Something I just can’t have on my head. I can’t even stomach the thought. Makes me want to puke.

I don’t think one person should be required to be so on the ball on everything all the time. Granted, I’m anal, I’m a perfectionist, I’m GOOD. But I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, I make errors, I have bad days. I fuck up. I just hope I didn’t on THIS job at THIS time. I don’t know what I’d do.

I guess that’s why I’m writing it out, in hopes it doesn’t follow me to bed. I need sleep and relaxation bad. But it’s just about midnight, and I’ve just sat down. And I have to be up in 5 1/2 hours to do it all again tomorrow.

…I read an article a little while ago, that I’m way to lazy to link to, but it was nurse in the UK talking about her interviews with the terminally ill. Perhaps you’ve read it?

Basically, it was a list of regrets from her dying patients, how they wished they had spent less time working, less time worrying, more time doing things they love, relaxing, enjoying, traveling. Being with those they love.

I am willing to sacrifice my comfort and peace of mind to pay the bills. Up to a point. But I’m going to have to weigh the stress level of how I feel NOW to being a few days late with the cable bill. Lord knows I can drop it. But can I drop the stress?

Working to live? Living to work? I’m feeling a little caught up in the rat race, and I don’t care for it. I appreciated Yamel when he wasn’t working, the time he spent making this house a home, the meals he cooked, the care he took. I never for a moment took for granted coming home to his smiling face after a terrible day – I miss that face.

I miss the relaxation I felt when I walked in the door. When I cam HOME to him. Away from it all. Now, all that stress is in him too, and I feel bad that it’s there.

I can’t have it both ways, can I? Time will tell – I just hope it hurries up and lets me know. I don’t have any to waste.